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We had been told from the very beginning that Mom's time was close, so we truly expected her to go any moment from the time she made it home. We were worried that two of my brothers wouldn't make it home in time, as they were on the mainland. Though she was only breathing 4 times a minute, unable to eat or drink, 5 days later, she was still with us. I was burned out, but was determined to give Mom the best care I could and to be there 24/7. That's when I met Rebecka, a Hospice Nurse who worked on weekends. All of Mom's Nurses were great, but there was something that stood out about Rebecka. She was extremely present in each moment. She was relaxed. Being a Nurse myself, I know how busy and overworked Nurses are. Being present and relaxed is quite a feat, especially considering your workload. It was such a blessing and gift to experience it. It's NOT EASY, but she made it seem effortless. She was unrushed. She sat down next to Mom after doing her assessment. She wanted to get to know more about Mom. I, on the other hand, was not so calm. I was vigilantly monitoring Mom's oxygen levels, peripheral pulses, skin color, signs of pain, suctioning, turning her every two hours, keeping her clean, moistening her mouth etc. BIG SIGH! Rebecka gently told me that the oxygen was probably extending Mom's life. She looked straight at me and said, "don't worry about all the numbers, just BE WITH YOUR MOM." She advised us NOT to stay in Mom's room 24/7; to take a break, go eat at the dining table, rest, give mom a chance to pass alone, if that was what she wanted. That was a huge AHA moment. I had not even considered that Mom might want to slip out when no one was in the room! WHOA! That was a big relief for us! It gave us room to breathe a little. I took her off the oxygen. I was much less worried about the numbers, and just spent time BEING with my Mom. It was good to feel the softness of her skin, to kiss her cheeks, to hold her hand, to reminisce with my other siblings around her bedside about our best memories of her. If or when you are at a loved one's death bed, these are good things to keep in mind. I can humbly admit, 8 weeks after her death, that I added myself into Mom's death process. I had it all planned out! I was going to be there when she took her last breath, it was going to be an amazing spiritual experience. Looking back, it is a little embarrassing and laughable that I would incorporate what I wanted her experience to be, you know? I humbly share this with you, so that if you ever go through a similar experience, please remember, it's not YOUR death experience, it's theirs. The grieving process, however, is totally yours. Everyone grieves differently. Mom's death hit me hard. I didn't expect to feel so untethered; I didn't realize what an anchor she was in my life. Yesterday marked 2 months since she passed. I've made it 3 days in a row without breaking down. I tear up a lot. I give myself grace. Each person in my immediate family is grieving in their own unique way. It doesn't look like my process and it is OK. My sister, LaVerna, gave me a book called "Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss". It's a good book that helped me release some more tears. She also sent me a little angel figurine that says "find comfort and heal". She was so thoughtful and kind to send me something to help me grieve, even though she is going through the same loss. The takeaway recipe for this post is:
My intent for all my posts is to offer sustenance that feeds your body, mind, and soul. If this has helped you, or if you know someone who may need to hear this, please share it. Until next time, aloha Comments are closed.
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AuthorSpiritual Foodie, Chef, Holistic RN, Healer Archives
January 2025
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