Life’s Surprises and Blessings in Disguise

Posted with permission by Luanna and Bryleigh
Ah, the journey called life. There are ups and downs, smooth paths and difficult ones and boy are there a lot of surprises!  I’m dealing with an unexpected situation that has caused a lot of soul searching.  Our daughter, Luana, let us know last summer that she is bi. I totally didn’t see that one coming.  She’s currently 21 and has had boyfriends since she was 13 years old. When she came home for Christmas last year she said she was gay. I’m a bit in the dark when it comes to all the terminology that’s out there nowadays, so I had to ask her if that was different from being bi. Her response was, “well actually I’m pan”.  My response to that was “what the hell does THAT mean?!?” She enlightened me and said “pan is where you are attracted to the person/personality and it doesn’t matter what gender they are”.  OK wow, new information!

We are currently traveling in our RV with Luana and her girlfriend Bryleigh. My husband, Steve, introduced Bryleigh as Luana’s friend the other day.  Oh boy. We got an ear full later that night. She let us know it was totally inappropriate to call Bryleigh her friend, when she is her girlfriend. It was a very hard conversation for me because Luana told us that we needed to live by a higher standard and not be homophobic.  Wait, what?!? We have been accepting and welcoming of Bryleigh, and umm, hello! she is traveling with us for 10 days on our trip around the Pacific NorthWest. We’re homophobic??!! Really? 

I’m sharing my messy middle of how I’m striving to live an extraordinary life. This particular part is VERY MESSY. It’s PAINFUL!  Being open and honest is important to me.  So when Luana asked me what I thought of Bryleigh after meeting her the first time, I honestly said I thought she was lovely, but it was hard to see them holding hands. She told me in our recent chastising that my saying that caused her a lot of mental health trauma for months.  Wow. I had no idea. 

Learning to navigate what’s appropriate to say and what’s NOT is like groping in the dark.  We had another talk this morning. This one went better. We shared our hurts, and clarified our misunderstandings. Luana said I’m not exactly homophobic, but from her perspective, I still have a way to go on Queer ettiquite. By the way, the proper term is queer, not gay. “Queer is the umbrella term for LGBTQ+”. Terminology and meanings change in each generation. My mom used to say she was feeling gay, meaning she was happy.  We, her children, let her know that it meant something else.  She was just as surprised as I was learning what pan meant.

The scenario of having a gay, oops, a queer daughter  was NOWHERE in my life’s expectations.  How is this a blessing in disguise? As difficult as it is to adjust to what is, it is a way to get to know Luana better. It is an opportunity for self reflection and growth.  After all, isn’t that all a part of living an extraordinary life?
*This is a very condensed version of our talk. I will be posting a more in depth blog some time soon.