Growing Pains

Growing pains are real. My Uncle David grew to be 6’5 and often recounted how much his bones hurt due to his consistent growth spurts when he was young.  It’s like that when you grow in other ways too.

In my last post, I shared a difficult conversation I had with my daughter, regarding her being queer. She told me that when I say that I’m “dealing” with it and “adjusting to her being queer, it hurts her mental health; that it makes it sound that being queer is something bad.  I didn’t realize that she interpreted it that way.  I didn’t see it coming and it took me by surprise.  We are going through growing pains, together and separately.  

I’ve had some time to reflect on our recent conversations about her sexuality and the verbiage I use around my experience of having a queer daughter. She let us know about a year and a half ago that she is pan. She told me that should be sufficient time for me to “get over it, because it’s not that big of a deal”. It is a big deal to me, and for many people in my generation. Being raised Mormon has a lot to do with it being hard as well. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I was still using words like struggling and working through it. I’ve had to search for new words that don’t connote negativity. So I now say I’m growing through it.  I’m growing through my mixed feelings. I’m sifting through my beliefs. I’m giving deep thought to what really matters.

I more deeply understand the feelings  my mother had when I told her I stopped going to church and that I wasn’t going back. She asked me to go back to church for her. I told her that as much as I loved her, I couldn’t do that.  In a nutshell, I didn’t fit the box. Going to church actually made me feel bad about myself.  I felt like a hypocrite when I went to church, because I wasn’t being true to myself. Mom’s experience was the opposite, so it was hard for her to understand my perspective. Despite that, she accepted and loved me.

 I love Jas with all my heart.  I want her to be happy. I’m growing into the understanding that just as I had to do what was right for me, Jasmine has to do what’s right for her. And this is as it should be.

I read this to Jasmine and I have her full approval to post this.

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