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I have been on an intense journey these last few months around food. Included on the menu is grappling with self-loathing. Yah. I said it. There is a paradoxical love-hate relationship between hating my body and loving food.
I absolutely LOVE food! I love growing it, creating with it and especially eating it. I revel in the tantalizing flavors that dance on my taste buds and waltz through my olfactory system, imprinting one word on my brain - YUM!!! Mildly put, food brings me joy. At the same time, I feel betrayed by it and my body. In 8th grade, I weighed 120 pounds. My diet consisted of no breakfast, a fudge cycle for lunch and a home cooked dinner by my Mom. I was given the opportunity to become a lunch cashier. It included free lunch. I gained 20 pounds in no time flat. By my junior year, I added another 30, for a total of 50 pounds! The heaviest I got was 203. Yawzah!!! I am currently 175#. Why am I sharing this with you? Because I know I’m not alone in this experience. I feel ashamed of gaining so much weight. Over the course of the last 50 years, I’m 64 now, I’ve waged a battle between eating what I love and hating what I weigh. It’s complicated, right? Intellectually I know that my worth does not go down as the number on the scale goes up, and yet, that is how I feel. The two have NOTHING to do with each other. That is not what the outside world says. We have been brainwashed to believe you are imperfect, worse, worthless if you are overweight. What is the solution? That is where self-love comes in. It’s been extremely difficult to learn what that even looks like. Where does one start? I started with listening to my body. It was giving me all kinds of signs trying to get my attention - extreme pain in my heels and calves that I finally acknowledged after a year of enduring. I had to stop running, which brought on a lot of self criticism, and you guessed it, more weight! I did 8 weeks of redlight laser treatment and chiropractic sessions. I started acupuncture to help with circulation. I took some herbs for 7 days that brought on severe itching and hives for THREE MONTHS. I was told to keep taking pills “as much as you need, for as long as you have symptoms” by my doctor. Really? This was an opportunity to go within. I did not want to mask symptoms, I wanted a cure. So I asked my body what it needed. The answer was a 3 week liver detox. I am in my third week of it and boy have I learned a lot about myself, food, and acceptance of self-love. Things I’ve learned at a deeper level:
I look forward to a new mindful way of eating and being. I know it is a way for me to love myself.
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Playing with ingredients is so fun. I made this recipe by adding jicama to my guacamole recipe to create Jicamole. It adds an unexpected crunch and texture to what is normally expected. This concept can be applied to life. What can you join together that you haven’t before? Here are some suggestions: Invite two friends who haven’t previously met to gather for pupus. Stop for a walk on the beach on the way home from work. Bring presence into your cooking to make it a calming experience. Speak your truth with kindness and confidence. Text an audio message to a loved one listing what you love about them. Practice 5-10 minutes of a new language while driving in your car. Burst into song when your kids get home from school. All these things open up opportunities for new and wonderful ways to nourish yourself and others. Variety is the spice of life! Check out the recipe: Mai's Jicamole Watch the video: Mai's Jicamole There are some situations in life where I’m not sure what to do. Many times, I receive answers when I cook. I have a group of Grandma Chefs who whisper to me “try this, add that! Oh, this is a lesson that can guide you in daily life”. This is what was whispered to me today… I was removing some freshly baked Nutty Date Rounds from the muffin tins they were baked in. The ones that I hadn’t pressed down hard enough were difficult to remove - they fell apart. Ah… a soft whisper of the wisdom of being pressed firmly will make things come out well. For example when you are pressed firmly into the mold of being your best self, that firmness (knowing/solidness) strengthens you and assists for things to come out smoothly. So cool, right?
We all have access to a still small voice that's meant to guide us through our daily life. Take a moment and reflect… When do you get your most inspiration? Is it while you are exercising? Singing? Crafting? Sometimes the whisper is barely audible, but with practice, you get better at listening. When we are authentically engaged in doing something we love, our hearts help us to hear our guidance better. Recipe: Nutty Date Rounds Video: Nutty Date Rounds |
AuthorSpiritual Foodie, Soul Chef, Holistic RN, Healer Archives
June 2025
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